Dog and Cat Fun


1.Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog

2.Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.

3.Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his
dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4.Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to
a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5.Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog
house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6.The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7.Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8.Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the
old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...
upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9.The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10.Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11.Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the

12.Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the

13.Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head
on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14.Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's
not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now
sleeping. That's just not fair.

15.The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if it's true.

​BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.
​So God Made A Dog

And on the 9th Day
God looked down on his wide eyed children and said they need a companion
So God made a Dog

God said I need somebody to wake up and give kisses, pee on a tree, sleep all day, wake up again, give more kisses, and then stay up till midnight basking in the glow of the television set.
So God made a Dog

God said I need somebody willing to sit, then stay, then roll over then with no ego or complaint dress in hats they do not need and costumes they do not understand. I need somebody who can break wind without a first thought or second thought. Who can chase tails, sniff crotches, fetch sticks and lift spirits with a lick. Somebody no matter what you didn’t do, or couldn’t take, or didn’t win, or couldn’t make will love you without judgment just the same.
So God made a Dog

God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with the resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart.
So God made a Dog

It had to be somebody who would remain patient and loyal even thru loneliness. Somebody to care, cuddle, snuggle and nuzzle, and cheer and charm and snore and slobber and eat the trash and chase the squirrels. Somebody who would bring a family together with selflessness of an open heart. Somebody who would bark, and then pant, and then reply with the rapid wag of tail when their best friend says lets go for a ride in the car.
So God made a Dog

God said I need somebody who would stand at your side when the world around you collapses. Somebody to lie next to you during the long nights of pain and sorrow when it hurts to move, or talk, or think, or be. Somebody to stand guard, play games, snore for hours, and repeat as needed. Somebody to give you strength when you have none of your own. Somebody to fight when you have no fight left, to hold onto your soul as if it were their favorite toy, playing tug of war to keep you in this world. Somebody to be your companion and guide in this world and the next. Somebody to wait for you on the other side or stand guard in your absence until they can join you for eternity. 
So God made a Dog
And God Created Dog...

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" 

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." 

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. 

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." 

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. 

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." 

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. 

And they were greatly improved. 

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. 

And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.